I’ve always been a terrible decision-maker. This is why, in both my career and my love life, I would weigh all the pros and cons, get input from friends and family, and ultimately make a half-hearted decision that gave me an out. I didn’t trust my instincts. Meaning, I never jumped right in to anything – I was always just kind of dipping my toe, and if I didn’t like it, I left.
For example, when I first moved to San Diego, and later to L.A., I did the temp circuit. I tried out many different offices and industries, mostly because I needed money ASAP but also because I didn’t know what to choose. This seemed easier – no commitment. So I floated from job to job until I eventually got somewhere, liked it, and stayed.
I looked at online dating the same way. I was testing my options. I never went out more than a few times with any guy, because that meant I was restricting my options. And what if the perfect guy was my next date? I couldn’t screw around with fate like that. So I wandered around, kind of aimlessly, hoping someone would trigger that “spark.” And when he did, then I started questioning everything about him, about us – what red flags was I not seeing? How could he hurt me? Would he leave me when he got bored? I couldn’t take that kind of pressure. So I didn’t let myself get too involved.
One man called me on it. I remember the phone call distinctly – he wanted a real relationship and I wasn’t sure. I told him we should keep things as they were, and see how it went. Then he got angry. “You say you want to see how things go. But that’s what we’ve been doing. Face it – you really don’t know what you want!”
I sat silent on the phone, wondering what to make of him. At first I was defensive. Of course I knew what I wanted, and it wasn’t him! But then once I got past my anger, I saw that he was right. It wasn’t about him. I really had no idea what I wanted, the type of relationship that would make me happy. I savored my freedom but longed to merge my life with someone else’s. How could these two conflicting emotions in me come to terms? I wanted to be in control but falling in love would put me in the middle of a complete loss of control. It terrified me.
I’d like to say that once I realized this I found love immediately. But like any other fundamental change in mindset, it takes a lot of patience, hard work, and effort, not to mention time. I worked hard to try and be vulnerable with a man. I worked hard to get past my fears of failure. I worked hard to prepare myself for what I did want – a real relationship.
I guess what I’m trying to say is change is hard, especially at the cellular level – where it goes against everything you’ve programmed yourself to do for years and years. Patterns and bad habits die hard. So don’t beat up on yourself when you’re trying to change. Have faith that you’ll get there. And that you’ll be amazed at what crosses your path when you make that effort.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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