Despite what most of my blog is about, this topic is not about dating. But it is about relationships. I’m very pleased to announce that my article for the Huffington Post landed on their home page! The topic? Boundaries.
I have a lot to say about boundaries, mostly because I’m still learning about them. Boundaries need to be created with everyone in your life for a sense of self-preservation, whether it’s with family members, bosses, co-workers, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses. I stand firmly behind this, and it’s still been a struggle for me. But when it comes to stepchildren, people have a lot to say (as I found out in the lengthy list of comments pertaining to my article). It seems nobody is in agreement on whether or not boundaries are called for when you’re a stepmother.
I found it interesting what some people think…for instance, if your stepchildren take your clothes without asking or drink from your glass, that means they are comfortable around you and treat you more like family. Great, right? Why should I complain about that? Still others said I was a wimp and needed to establish firm rules, because this happens with parents too. Others thought I was being selfish. Others were supportive and understanding. And the split was about equal.
So again I am led to believe…if I were talking about my own kids (and I don’t have any), I think the response would have been different. For some reason, people have a hard time accepting stepparents…even after all this time. Like we shouldn’t exist, or shouldn’t have feelings, or shouldn’t have concerns. That we’re automatically supposed to be perfect parental figures and do everything right, or else we’ll scar the kids for life. After all, the children come first no matter what, even though they aren’t our kids. All I can say to this is, we’re doing our best. We’re thrown in late to the game without experience. We make this up as we go along. I think parents will agree they do the same much of the time…make it up as they go along. But they don’t get so scrutinized.
In the end, we have to be true to ourselves in life. If something doesn’t feel right, do you keep doing it? That’s how it felt to me when I had no boundaries, so I started to create them. Maybe that seems selfish to some, but to me, it was more like self-preservation.
I’m not trying to be perfect, I’m trying to be real. That’s how I connect with people, including my stepchildren. Everyone’s experience is different. I’m just trying to figure things out.
And I don’t think I’m the only one.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Look, let me give you a tip about being a stepmother: THESE KIDS DO NOT LIKE YOU AND YOU CANNOT BE THEIR FRIEND. They know EXACTLY what they’re doing, too. They know that you desperately want them to like you, and you will let them disrespect you and walk all over you in an effort to win their love and loyalty.
When I became an instant stepmother at 27 (four teens, one 24 year old with a 4 year old son, all with substance abuse issues), I addressed the issue head-on: “Before I hear ‘We don’t like you’, I don’t care if you like me or not . I’m not here to win a popularity contest, I’m here to see you become responsible adults because I’m not taking care of you the rest of my life.” Then: “Before I hear, ‘You’re not my mother’, you’re damn right I’m not your mother – but you WILL listen to me.” Basically, I eliminated every emotional blackmail leverage they might have tried – pretty much the same emotional blackmail leverage your stepkids are trying with you on a more subtle level.
Fast forward almost 30 years: The kids have cleaned up their act, all in 12 step programs and we are all friends. My oldest stepdaughter said to me recently, “I’m happy you didn’t give up on us, anyone else would have walked away. Really, you were DOOMED.”
Not saying you have to be as tough as I was, but RESPECT YOURSELF if you want those kids to respect you.
Congrats on making front page on the Huffington! That’s awesome. I have battled with setting boundaries my entire life. I’ve read the book and it’s pretty dead on. I’ve learned that in setting boundaries, they need to be vocalized but that’s something I struggle with.
I’m was so excited to read your Boundaries article on Huffington Post. I applaud your honesty! I’m also a step-parent to one teen and one preteen. I also have a child of my own from a previous marriage. Needless to say we are a full house. Being a parent to your own child does not in anyway prepare you for being a step-parent. The rules, dynamics, whatever you call them, are completely different with step-children than with your own children. So, unless someone has personally experienced the joys and frustrations of being a step-parent, their comments will fall on my deaf ears. Not that their opinions don’t matter but it’s like taking medical advice from your hairdresser.
Marrie—SO true!! It’s easy to think we have all the answers for child-rearing until we actually become stepmothers. Then we see that dynamics are already in place and we have to figure out where to push for change and where to compromise and accept. It’s a difficult balance.
Jo – Thanks for the advice. It sounds like you had some especially tough issues with your stepkids. I agree: I’m not trying to be their friend, but I do want to develop a good relationship with my stepchildren, which takes time, patience and understanding. Coming in with a bullwhip doesn’t really make things better. Especially when I have less influence over the kids than their actual parents. (i.e. they still go to Mom or Dad for what they want or to get their help, not to me). I’m doing my best to help myself, my husband and my stepdaughters.