Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt as though you couldn’t really ask for what you want?
I think many of us hold back to some degree. Maybe it’s simple – you keep your mouth shut when you’d really love to see Movie A but your significant other wants to see Movie B. You agree because it’s not that big of a deal. Movie B looks good, too. You can see Movie A another time with friends. Whatevs.
Or maybe it’s more significant, like you are afraid to ask your boyfriend for more affection, more commitment. More than what you have, more than what he is currently giving you. You secretly dismiss your needs, like you’re making a big deal about nothing, that you should just sit back and let him take the lead with how your relationship should progress. You don’t want to be “needy.” Just like you let him see Movie B when you wanted to see Movie A. No big deal. At least, this is what you might tell yourself.
But this is fear talking.
I get it. It’s scary to have a real conversation with someone you’re dating. It’s scary to have a real conversation with anyone – especially when you feel so much is on the line. Maybe you want to stay together. You love him and you know he’s right, but he isn’t sure yet about you. So you keep trying to prove yourself. You’re nicer than you should be. You act completely independent, as though it wouldn’t matter if he walked out. You don’t let that inner crazy get hold of you. You tiptoe around any unpleasant or difficult subjects. I know what it’s like to have a fear about losing something that you fear you might never get again. Like another chance at love.
But there’s nothing to fear, because you will get another chance at love. I promise.
The thing is, no matter how nice you are, no matter how much you want to please your boyfriend/ girlfriend, you’re giving him control. You are handing over your power. And while it might be scary to think about breaking up, it’s even scarier to visualize your relationship in another five years and it’s still in the same place.
Relationships are tricky, because two people don’t move forward at the same pace. I talk about this in my latest article for Digital Romance. Even if you’re not in the same place, you can’t set your own needs aside. You have to let him/her know how you feel. You’re both in the relationship – you both should be taking turns driving the ship. So set fear aside.
Ask for what you want. It’s the only way you can actually get it.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Great one. I agree that you can’t allow someone to gain that much control over you. Regardless if they had no intention to do so or not. If a person fears saying something in a relationship, then they shouldn’t be in that relationship. One should never fear saying something to their significant other.
YES. To everything.
I once had a relationship dictated by fear and I felt as though I couldn’t really get into meaty issues because he just wasn’t mature enough to process them. When one partner is scared to say things that are of importance, then there will be pent-up resentment in the end.
NO relationship is perfect and it’s important to understand that. But knowing that my partner will hear me out if I have something to say he might disagree with was worth waiting for. I love knowing that my opinion matters. And it really is sometimes as simple as asking for what you want. Great post!
Thanks Q and Charlotte! I’ve seen this happen for both men and women. There tends to be a dominant in many relationships, and the other person lets them dominate (male or female). But this means over time, resentment builds…and then what? That’s why it’s important to have those scary conversations and make sure your needs are being met. But you are right Charlotte—no relationship is perfect, and it is a process.
I absolutely have been in a relationship where I didn’t feel I could ask for what I want. Meaty issues turned into fights and eventually I gave up and moved on to another subject.
Then I realised it was just silly and if things were not going to change I would leave…
…and I did
SW—thanks for sharing. It’s difficult for many people to leave a relationship, even if it’s not working. This is why we should remind ourselves that it won’t get better unless WE do something about it. Ultimately, it is our choice.
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