I was at a relationship “talk” last night with Marianne Williamson…(“seminar” and “lecture” just sound too clinical…besides, there was mood lighting and a faint smell of Patchouli). It was in a packed theatre, so there were like 300+ people there. When we got to the Q&A portion, a thirty-something woman seated in the back stood up and said that she wanted to break up with the guy she’s dating. The problem? He never initiates anything.
She went on to say that they’ve only been dating for 2 months, but she doesn’t think anything will change. He never plans anything, so she ends up doing the planning. He never calls her, so she ends up doing the calling. He never seduces her, so she ends up seducing. I rolled my eyes, thinking yeah, it’s obvious…he’s just not that into you. Break it off. Next question.
But then, Marianne suggested that everyone in a relationship either takes on the male or female role. That is, the “masculine” role of being the initiator or the “feminine” role of being the one pursued. But once a man is denied his masculine role because a woman initiates, he is less likely to initiate anything himself. It’s like he’s emasculated.
She suggested the woman step back and allow him to initiate, since this was what she wanted. That maybe her controlling the relationship was keeping him from reaching out. Now, I got a little annoyed at first because this smelled to me like “The Rules”. And it insulted my feminist sensibilities…equal rights and all that. But relationships are a little more complex. They don’t fit into categories. And how can you possibly be politically righteous and intimate? Relationships are based in connection, not in power.
I’m not a big fan of relationship manipulation. But is backing off really manipulation, or a favor to the building of a relationship?
I think there are many women who take on the role of the initiator, maybe without even realizing it..and some guys like this. But then, how do they really know unless both sides get a chance to take charge of the relationship?
More importantly, how do guys know what we want, since some women they’ve dated take charge and others expect to be pursued?
The weird thing was…after the woman claimed that her boyfriend would never be the one to call first or to think of something for them to do, or even to initiate sex, her cell phone rang. Guess who it was.
Anyway, it was kind of funny that after all of the insistence about how he would never take charge, he called her. She hadn’t messaged him earlier apparently…he just decided to pick up the phone and reach out, all on his own.
Who knows, maybe he wasn’t that into her after all. But I guess the only way to find out is to step back and let him do the pursuing. If he doesn’t rise to the challenge, then she should move on.
Any thoughts on this? Do you like to be the initiator in a relationship?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
I tend to lean toward your initial instincts. Generally speaking, when I’m interested in a woman, I’m going to make contact; I’m going to plan something. But remember, with every rule, there are exceptions.
Backing off, I suppose, can help to send the relationship in a better direction. However, for the most part, it does suggest game playing. I would much prefer a woman to be straight and direct, work with me to improve the relationship, rather than opt for this seemingly passive-agressive option.
Early in a relationship I like to be the one who is being pursued, mainly because I think that it is a good indication of how much a man values you. That being said, as the relationship progresses, if you still have doubts about being the one to initiate contact first for fear of losing “power” in the relationship, then it’s time to get out because this will never be an honest relationship.
CleuXFour – Thanks so much for stopping by! I tend to shy away from anything that involves game playing. But I think there is something to be said for the balance of power in a relationship. It’s a delicate thing.
Tina – good point. Maybe it’s more about the beginning of a relationship vs. several months later. I like being pursued too…makes a difference in how supported/ valued I feel in a relationship. But then, I tend not to be assertive in pursuing guys.
Hmmm… I don’t think that I’m much of an overt initiator. I’m a bit of an over-thinker, so I’m always just watching, waiting, and looking for cues about how to proceed. It’s been my downfall many a time, unfortunately. I’ve been trying to seize the reins more, in order to compensate for the overly analytical hunk of grey matter that serves as my brain, but it’s proven to take heaps of effort, and I’m afraid that it may not be sustainable…
I wholeheartedly agree with Marianne Williamson. Even a control freak will get tired of a man who never initiates over time. It’s not romantic or sexy or conducive to keeping the spark alive for the long haul.
I still think he is just not that into her, when you with someone special you want to do things with them.
I’m going to stop talking about mselyf so much on first dates. I’m proud of what I do for a living and who I am, but it’s been suggested that girls don’t like guys that talk about themselves alot on a date, but I used it to fill the awkward silence .but I think I should cool it.
This was an intersting article Kelly. Speaking from a man’s point of view, I believe that it’s a give and take. I have been in relationships, where the female has done the chasing, and I had no issues with that at all. Part of it is understanding the dynamics, and to me by having someone chases me, it means they are interested in me.
Likewise, on the other perspective, I have had to do a lot of chasing and initiating as well. This can be good or deflating depending on how it is responded to. I understand may females like the thrill of being chased, but some sort of response is just as important. One of the biggest struggles I constantly face, is women who are interested but then never call or send messages throughout the initial phase. Even a simple “Hello”. After a few weeks if I am the only one doing any sort of initiating, to me I have a sense that the other party is not as invested and begin to move on.
My personal opinion is that it should be an equal respect for each other. small feedbacks in discussion go a long way, but no feedback leads to confusion and uncertainty (especially in the early stages of dating and the relationship). Maybe this is just my ignorance or experiences but this has been what I’ve observed
i agree
It sucks dating these days. I met a girl and made the attempt to get her number. I asked her out and got the dates going the first 3 times. She would text every day and initiated about 85% of the time. In the end i must have just been a rebound because one day we didnt talk for 3 days and she broke up with me. she claimed she was needy, and we lived an hour away, but i still will never get it to this day. people are just sick. It simply come down to how sad these games are. if men text her too much its over and if we dont text enough its over. i agree with balance, but men really dont have it easy anymore. With all this digital hiding behind a screen faking what you might realy be feeling and all this power trips it seems unless youre just lucky, relationships just wont last. how do you drop people becuse your goals changed and say you were in a relationship for 2 years. what? its just lack of effort. people honestly dont have a sense of loyalty or care. hooking up is the quick “love” they get. no one lives in a honeymoon phase forever. if you know who your with then whats the problem. i have always come into dating/relationships with an open heart and care for who i chose to be with. i dont waste peoples times.
i don’t mind being an initiator as a woman, but it has to be reciprocal.
In the beginning of the dating, he is an enthusiastic pursuer who texted me every day, and if I didn’t respond in time, he would act in the way which for me was like the over-reaction.
now, as we reconnect after a breakdown and with few months have been passing by, i feel I am now the one who’s doING the follow-up and keep the conversations going. I’VE SPOKEN UP TO LET HIM KNOW MY FEELINGS AND WANTING TO COMMUNICATE, HE IS KEEN TO RESPOND TO MY CONCERNS, YET THE ACTIONS ARE NOT FOLLOWED THROUGH. ESPECIALLY THE DAY BEFORE HE PROMISED THAT HE’D BE MORE RESPONSIVE, EVEN THOUGH “HE HAS MANY WORK TO DO DURING THE DAY”, AND THE NEXT DAY HE JUST STOPPED RESPONDING AND I hAVEN’T HEARD FROM HIM FOR FEW DAYS.
i FEEL DRAINED TO MAKE SUCH EFFORT, AND WOULD LIKE TO STEP BACK TO SEE HOW HE’D DO THE NEXT. hOPE THIS IS NOT THE SO CALLED MIND GAME, WHICH i’M TOTALLY AGAINST TO. iF A LITTLE WITHDRAWAL COULD POSSIBLY EXPOSE HIS TRUE INTERESTS AND MOTIVES TOWARDS ME, i’LL SEE THAT AS A FAVOR TO MYSELF.
i’D LIKE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS AND BETTER ADVICE ON THIS? THANK YOU!