I came across this rather depressing article on Bustle written by a young woman (still in her twenties) who has decided to delete all her dating apps. I get it, I really do. How many times can you swipe before feeling that it’s all so pointless? Text messages that end in silence. Ghosting. Dates that cancel at the last minute (if you even get that far.) Why bother?
Sigh. It’s the end of dating, and now we have proof.
So, are we going down without a fight? Are we really just going to blame dating apps and then resume watching Netflix while we Snapchat with our friends, cynically telling ourselves that love isn’t gonna happen?
So I have to argue that no, technology isn’t the problem. It’s our dependence on it.
We’re so digitally connected that we’ve become detached IRL – that’s the real issue.
When was the last time you got really excited for a date? I mean, like buying a new dress excited… instead of planning a coffee date by your office where you can quickly make a work excuse and bolt if you’re not feeling it?
The problem isn’t with technology. Let’s look at the actual act of dating. Dating brings up a lot of anxiety because it requires something of us – to put ourselves out there, to become masters at the art of conversation, to look each other in the eye, to be creative, to be sexy. That is just way too much pressure, especially for those of us who are much more comfortable hiding behind our phones.
Think about it – when you are in a cafe or bar, how many people are glued to their screens, even if they are sitting with friends? How many are actually talking to each other instead of taking pictures and posting to Instagram?
The thing with dating is – you have to really be present, to pay attention. You have to look your date in the eye. Sometimes that’s more pressure than we can handle, especially when we’re so much better at posting a tweet than telling a story, even to our best friends.
The dating apps aren’t the problem, even the perception that choices are endless in online dating isn’t the root of the problem. It’s that we are choosing not to connect with each other.
It’s much easier to live a curated digital life than an actual, messy one.
Look, I get that dating can be exhausting, and often feels like a waste. I know you sometimes feel that connection, while possible, is unlikely unless you meet more organically, or you’re both ready for a relationship, or he’s not a complete douche. This online business, well, you don’t trust it. Trust me – I have felt all of these things, too. I know of what you speak.
Dating is not for the faint of heart. But it can be better. So much better than you think.
My challenge to you is this – try putting your phone down the next time you’re out with a friend. Don’t pick it up to check Instagram, Facebook, or even emails. Instead, look at the person sitting across from you. Tell a story. Make a joke. Talk about politics. Look him in the eye. Accept the pauses in conversation without automatically checking your phone. In fact – don’t pull your phone out until you actually tell your friend goodbye, and see how you feel.
Then try this: introduce yourself to someone new – whether it’s at a party, in line for coffee, or picking out pumpkins to carve. Start a conversation. It doesn’t have to be with someone you’re attracted to, it’s just practice for interacting in real life, with someone new, and potentially a date. Allow yourself to feel weird so you can get past it – because you have to get comfortable in your own skin in order to connect.
Then try this: Don’t message endlessly with your online dates. If you match, take initiative and ask him out right away. There’s nothing worse than building anticipation via text to have it go nowhere, so act according to your objective – to see if there’s any chemistry between you in person.
Dating apps do not do the dating for you – they are merely a vehicle to meet people.
The real work is up to you. Don’t rely on other people to change, especially potential dates you don’t even know. Most people are looking for what you want – connection. You just have to put it out there that you actually want a connection, a relationship, and not just…whatever. AND you want it IRL, not just via your phone. People respond to honesty, they really do.
Practice doesn’t make perfect, but it makes things a hell of a lot more comfortable, enjoyable, and potentially romantic when it comes to dating.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
I’m going to pull down all my profiles and pictures as well. Too depressing waiting to see if someone deems me acceptable. Women are calling the shots. Having no control or say in getting a date is a confidence destroyer.
Hi Ron – I don’t think that’s the case. Women do get a lot of inappropriate/ lude messages online dating so they are way more cautious than guys, and don’t respond unless they find a guy compelling, interesting, or even just respectful! But they do not call all the shots. Dating is a two-way street. I think both genders need to put a little more effort into the whole process, for sure.
For a society that is so engrossed in social media, we really have no social skills! This is something I talk about with friends of mine all the time! The point of online dating is to find a person to meet OFFLINE! Dating takes effort and most people today aren’t willing to put in any effort. Great post!
It all depends. I met my bf of 3 years RIGHT after he was gtenitg a divorce ( yes paperwork wasn’t even done). I don’t consider myself a rebound girl and we are both very happy. His ex waited until 6 months after. If you meet the right person for you it just works. I actually find it is better after a break up because you know the mistakes you made with the first and what you don’t want in your next relationship.