When it comes to our sex lives, we know that when we have sex with someone, we’re also having sex with everyone else that person has had sex with. It’s a bit daunting when you think about it. So we use condoms.
But I was talking with a friend about dating, and he mentioned that since we look at sex this way, we should look at dating the same way too. In other words, when you date someone, you are actually dating everyone they’ve ever dated as well. They are the sum total of their dating experiences. And most of them aren’t that great.
For some reason, this scared me more than thinking about the sex trail.
I have had a lot of dates in my time. As I’ve mentioned before, i used to host speed dating events. So, there was never a shortage of guys around. Even though the majority of dates were just kind of bland, with no sparks…there were a significant number that were just…bad. Like guys that stood me up. Or the ones who got angry. Or the ones who just didn’t know how to date, and arrived with sweaty palms and didn’t think to ask me any questions.
And then there were the ones I fell for, who ran as fast as they could in the other direction as soon as things started to get a bit serious. These broke my heart.
So, am I the sum total of my experiences with these men? When I’m with my boyfriend, is he dating all of them too, good, bland and bad?
I’d like to think he isn’t, but I know this isn’t the case. I’ve been listening to Marianne Williamson lately, the spiritual self help guru, and she maintains that every single person who comes into your life is there for a reason, no matter how brief. They are there to teach you something, and you teach them something as well. Sometimes we are not open to the lessons though, or we don’t see them.
If what she says is true, then I really am the sum total of all of my dating experiences. If I think about this too much, I picture myself in an airport trying to check into a flight with a trail of luggage behind me, and the airline of course wants me to pay about $100K in extra baggage fees. So I feel defeated, wondering how I can get rid of everything. I don’t even know what’s in the bags anymore…
So, I’m dumping the bag visual. While I do agree that all of my dates have made me the woman I am today, I’m picking and choosing what I hold on to from each of them so I don’t carry everything around with me. I’ve been on all spectrums of the dating scale—from happy and carefree and attracting fun guys in my life, to frustrated and lonely and attracting exactly the wrong men, or none at all.
I think in the end it comes down to how you choose to perceive a situation, and then what you do with your feelings. Maybe you had a guy stand you up…you could get angry and say this is so typical, or you could say I’m glad I found out this guy was a douche early on and move on. People have many reasons to be frustrated and think there is no hope when it comes to dating. If you date long enough, chances are you’ll get there. But we are also the creators of our lives, and we make the choices every day of what we want to hold on to, and what we want to let go.
I’m not trying to sell a box of sunshine. This stuff is real. Emotions are real. Frustrations are real. But I do think there’s something to be said for taking something positive away from all of our experiences, good and bad. I don’t want to lug around all the crap from past dates the rest of my life. I just want to learn from it and let it go.
In this way, I hope I am the sum total of all of my dates, good and bad.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
we’re the sum of our life experiences anyway and dating experiences is part of this but as you say perception IS everything. Having a rational positive answer to everything that’s ever happened is unlikely though. Thus everyone has issues of some kind. As we get older and wiser the past makes more sense I think but in the now you may have to shelve some baggage and re-examine it at a later date. I think I’m pretty good at leaving things alone I don’t fully understand. In my mind “no answer at this time” or “I don’t think I’ll ever know what really happened there” are viable answers.
So timely. I was thinking just yesterday about the current boyfriend: “Poor guy. You’re basically fighting the damage he incurred.”
Great post!
Then there’s the overall debate on ‘To Date or Not To Date.’
From one perspective, dating sets us up for failure. We try on many people for size and so at best all bar one fail!!! Isn’t that interesting?
Then from another perspective, how we set our expectations is what we receive. Eg are looking for a one night stand or are you dating people on a platonic level to become friends first to find out more about what you might like in a potential partner and in the process learn more about how you relate to others.
Hmmmm…
Absolutely. You can’t control every situation… the only thing you can control is your response to the situation (well, to some extent). It’s hard not to get frustrated, but eventually you just need to try and let it go.
Our experiences make us who we are. But it’s what we learn from them that then dictates how we behave. You’ve got just the right attitude, demeanor, and understanding.
Boy am I glad I’m not still in the dating scene. Even though I have a lot of “experience” I think I’d suck at it now. It makes me nervous just thinking about it. I’d be in the bathroom with a stomach ache while my date was sitting alone, giving her number to the cute waiter.
Your posts are always logical and well stated. I enjoy visiting.
We are also dating their parents and our parents.
Thanks everyone for the comments.
Jen–I didn’t want to mention sex and parents in the same post. Ha!
OOTG – Thanks so much, I’m glad you stop by! You always have thoughtful things to say.
SG – yes, still learning that lesson. Most of my posts seem to go back to that concept!!
BroWolf – good point. I will start using the “no answer at this time” line more often.
Ha, ha, don’t forget there family too, you are dating them as well.