I wrote a post a while back about gold-diggers, which is still getting a lot more hits on my blog than any post since. In it, I asked the question: is it wrong for successful women to want men with ambition and financial stability?
Now, I’m friends with single women who have good careers, nice places to live, travel money, etc. They aren’t hurting. But they do get frustrated when they meet men who aren’t financially stable – meaning, my friends end up paying when they go out. They plan the romantic getaways and cover the charges, or in one instance, put a roof over a boyfriend’s head when he can’t find a job. They are looking for men not to provide for them, but to have some ambition, or at least motivation to improve their situations. These friends tend to be “fixers” of their men, and – go figure – it doesn’t really work out.
Lots of men wrote me to complain that I’m a proponent of gold-digging women. This completely misses the point, in my opinion. I’m sure a lot of men have encountered women who are only after money in relationships – but how the Real Housewives operate isn’t reflective of how most women think or act. Most women want to feel connected to their partners and want to be successful in their own right, not to be taken care of by a man. They want their men to have the same motivation and ambition that drives them. So lumping all or most women into the “gold-digger” category would be a mistake.
The men who wrote me seem to interpret a woman’s desire to be with someone financially stable as out to take everything away from him, regardless of whether or not this is true. I feel badly if they’ve had experiences of being taken advantage of, or betrayed, or duped by a woman in some way. But it’s not fair to categorize all potential dates as “out to get something” based on a few bad experiences. This is where dating can go bad wrong. When people become cynical, expecting the worst from each other.
I’m an optimist at heart. I tend to think people for the most part have good intentions, and that they just make mistakes and misunderstand one another. I like to think that if I’ve given someone the wrong impression, they will give me another chance and not just write me off as shallow or weak or bossy or whatever they may think.
So for all of you who’ve become cynical daters, believing that love doesn’t exist or that people are too focused on the prize to know what they really want, take heart in the fact that people will continue to surprise you and prove you wrong. We aren’t perfect creatures, but most of us are trying to do better. So give your dates a real chance.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
You seem to equate financial success with ambition and having goals and dreams. That is a flawed equation. I know many men and women who are plenty ambitious, have goals and dreams they are actively pursuing, but are barely making it financially. Secondly, there are plenty of well off folks who inherited their money or who worked hard in the right field for a period of time and now are just lounging around enjoying the spoils.
Nathan, thanks for your comment. But I would like to clarify – I don’t equate ambition with financial success. I have no love for trust funders. Quite the opposite. But let’s look at it another way: if you are a 40-year old woman and are dating a 50-year old man who is still figuring out what he wants to do and floats from job to no job while you have your sh*t together, then it’s a problem. If you’re 25 and with a 30-year old guy who is struggling with money but working hard to achieve his goals, it’s a different story. It depends what stage of life you’re in. I don’t think many men would respect a single 40-year old woman who didn’t have ambitions or a career of her own. Ambition and motivation are key attractors.