When I was growing up, my Italian grandmother used to come and visit us in Houston during summers and holidays. I loved my grandmother. She always smelled good and carried little lemon drops in her purse for me. We played together and cooked together. However, when I didn’t want to do something she asked me to do, she was quick to reprimand me. If I got sulky or angry, she would simply say, “anger does not become you.” And for some reason, that simple phrase stuck with me.
It sounds kind of proper and uptight. But my grandmother was wise. She understood that anger can betray you. It can take hold of you and turn you into something else. When you get angry, you become a lesser version of yourself. You let anger have the driver’s seat while you watch from the back. It doesn’t give you more power, it gives you less. Because you aren’t yourself in those moments.
I thought about this as a friend told me of her recent dates with a man who had a temper. You know the angry types – they talk down to the waitstaff, they complain if there is anything wrong with their order (which I can’t bring myself to do because I don’t want spit or any other bodily fluid in my food), they get easily frustrated with simple things, like finding a parking space or getting stuck in traffic. Instead of engaging with their dates, they are too busy getting upset with whatever problems arise. And usually a lot of shit happens to these kind of people. There is something to that old phrase “you reap what you sow.” To angry people, they sow a lot of shitty behavior, and it comes back to them so it just fuels more anger.
My friend decided to give the guy a chance, and went out with him three times before finally pulling the plug. Everything triggered him. If he got a little too much lime in his vodka tonic he’d make a scene and demand a free drink from the bartender. Once while waiting in line for a parking lot for about five minutes longer than he’d expected – he got so frustrated that he made a line of cars behind him back up and let him turn around, because he didn’t feel like driving through the lot to get to the exit. He bullied every waiter he came across, certain they’d get things wrong. He thought everyone was trying to cheat him.
I dated an angry guy once. At first, I thought he was funny and smart. but I soon learned how much he hated everything. When I once asked him if there was anything he liked, he got angry with me. That should have been a clue, but I kept dating him. He swore he’d never be mean to me. That is, until I pissed him off. Anger can turn on anyone, so don’t be fooled.
The thing about angry people is, you can’t fix them. It’s an impulsive thing, a habitual reaction. It’s up to them to change. And you certainly can’t take them at their word. So don’t believe what that angry person tells you. It’s their own fears and issues, not yours. And please don’t go out with them.
I miss my grandmother a lot. And I’m really grateful she taught me to think first instead of just getting angry.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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