Would you filter J-Lo out of your online dating search?
If you haven’t heard the news about Tinder Plus, brace yourselves. The free dating app is going to be offering a new premium paid service. If you’re 18-29, you’re in luck! The service will cost a mere $9.99. But those of you about to celebrate the big 3-0? Well, you can kiss more of your hard-earned cash goodbye. You see, you’ll be paying $19.99 per month for the premium service.
That’s right. Tinder did some “research” and discovered that people over 29 were willing to pay more for the same service. (Because everyone under 30 is a “student” and broke apparently…)
But really, let’s be honest. This is a statement by Tinder about online dating. While we all know ageism exists – that people routinely rule out potential dates based on age – this move acknowledges that as people get older, they are more willing to pay for more opportunities. Except that those opportunities don’t really exist.
Plenty of Fish and OkCupid have done some online dating research, and found that women ages 21-25 are the most desirable online dates. But after age 30, a woman’s “value” significantly deteriorates – meaning she receives as much as 80% fewer messages and matches according to some studies. This means guys are filtering them out of their searches. So then – what will female daters over 30 actually be getting from the new Tinder Plus service? Not much.
This is the point where I should convince guys to date people their own age. But to be honest, I don’t want to try to convince guys to date women in their thirties, forties, whatever. I don’t want to make a “case” for all the amazing women out there who have made a life for themselves – who have fabulous careers, are amazing single moms, are leaders in their communities at 30+. In fact, I don’t want to talk about how these women would add so much more to the richness of any man’s life. I don’t want to talk about how they can take care of themselves and have a good handle on who they are, now that they are 32 instead of 22.
I’m not going to do this because there is no reasoning. I think individuals need to come to their own conclusions themselves – to figure out on their own why they are only dating young women or men.
(I won’t leave the women out of this. There are many women out there who will only date younger men, too. But they are in the minority. Let’s be truthful here. This is not only an ageist problem, it is a sexist problem.)
Let’s get to the heart of the matter. I think age discrimination in dating has less to do with making sure someone’s biological clock is not yet ticking. I think it has more to do with friends, family, peers. If you are a man in your forties who isn’t afraid to commit to a woman in her forties, than you are probably secure in yourself and not worried about what other people in your life will think. If you want kids, you are open to adopt or try IVF. In other words, you are grounded in who you are.
If you’re only considering dating women who are younger than 30, even if you’re 50, then it seems you have something to prove – either to yourself or to those around you. You need to feel younger yourself, or you are afraid of someone with life experience, or strong opinions, or even a paycheck larger than your own.
I’m not just pointing a finger at men. I’m upset about dating culture as a whole -specifically when it comes to online dating and age. I experienced the drop of interest in my profile when I turned 30. I found myself at one point lying about my age, just to test the results. (And yes, I did receive a ton more emails when I did this.)
It shouldn’t have to be this way. I think so many people are frustrated with online dating because they have this idea in their heads of what they want, but really – someone different would be a better match. Shouldn’t you first see who is out there before filtering your options?
All I’m saying is that we should keep our minds – and our online filters – open. Date someone over 30. See what kind of conversation you have, what kind of chemistry you have, how the person makes you feel. Most of the time, we find the right person in the package we least expect.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Great article! So many men…and women… refuse to date their age because they think it means they aren’t young anymore. What’s wrong with getting older and maturing? Let the kids date kids and the adults date adults!
Thanks for your comment – I feel like it is more than just dating your age. I feel like there is an active denial that anyone over 29 is “dateable.” It seems more than just being about biological clocks – but that we are a culture that worships youth, and when someone “loses” their youth, they are no longer quite so sexy. It’s a shame, because people come into their sexual awareness later in life, when they’ve had more experience.
You’re right but it’s also about finding the right fit for you and your lifestyle. Some men wants to start a big family and truth be told a women who is older won’t be able to provide that (or she’s not willing). But I do agree that dating someone around your own age is always ideal because you have similar life and cultural experiences which does make it easier. I think when online dating it’s best to look at the person overall before determining compatibility. You never know, you might just be pleasantly surprised! Great food for thought!
SingleDatingDiva – you’re right about family, but there are many women and men who have problems conceiving when they are younger, too. Also, many women are now freezing their eggs – a conversation you don’t usually have on the first date! So, I think there are many ways to have a family if you want one. It helps to be open – you never know how it will come about.
How can you state this;
“I’m not going to do this because there is no reasoning. I think individuals need to come to their own conclusions themselves – to figure out on their own why they are only dating young women or men.”
And then justify stating this;
“If you’re only considering dating women who are younger than 30, even if you’re 50, then it seems you have something to prove – either to yourself or to those around you. You need to feel younger yourself, or you are afraid of someone with life experience, or strong opinions, or even a paycheck larger than your own.”
When we are consenting adults, capable of making decisions and choosing how we conduct our lives, it then should be of zero concern to no one, let alone the belief of others that they can judge any aspect of the lives other than their own.
I’ve dated 15 years older and I have dated the same younger. What I’ve learned is that it’s attitude and behavior that will determine compatibility, two metrics that are not age restricted.
Not the arbitrary and subjective worldview of those that believe they know you better than you know yourself.
It’s no one else’s business.
So if a guy only dates women under 30, it has to be because he has something to prove? It isn’t remotely possibly he’s simply more attracted to younger women?
Hi Frankie, thanks for your comment. I agree that everyone has their “types.” However, if a guy discounts a woman when she turns 30, what is that saying? That when she reaches 30, she’s automatically less sexy? If you truly want to find the right person, she usually doesn’t come in the package you expect. I’ve seen this over and over again. If it’s right, it’s never who you expect. It is what you feel when you’re with that person.
Everyone gets older. It is a fact of life. A woman you date might decide you are too old. It goes both ways. I think it takes more courage to follow your heart.
Kelly wrote: “You need to feel younger yourself, or you are afraid of someone with life experience, or strong opinions, or even a paycheck larger than your own.”
That’s one perspective. Another perspective is older women (33+): carry more emotional baggage; the list of what they “want” is longer; things like enjoying herself and being happy are gone; they’re big, walking balls of stress. All this leads to being bitchier.
Guys want fun. Older women are not fun.
I date and prefer to date women over 35 because I think there bodies are way hotter and attitude etc. However most men go younger. That’s cool too. Keep dating the younger please.
Hi Asa,
Thanks – I appreciate reader comments!! I’m not sure how to respond to your comment, since it is a stereotype. While you might have a preference for younger women because in your experience they are “more fun,” other guys might consider an older woman “more fun” because she’s independent and not so interested in marriage. All I’m saying is – please reconsider your filters, because everyone is unique – you can’t say “all women over 33 are like ____” or even “all women in their 20s are like____” because it’s not true. If you won’t date anyone older than 30, but there’s a 35 year old woman online who is exactly your type – then you end up missing out.