I started writing this yesterday as it was pouring rain outside. November to February in L.A. is considered “rainy season,” which is good because most people believe we don’t actually have seasons. So there.
I don’t like rain. I grew up in Houston, where rain was pretty much a constant (that is, until this past year when the Texas droughts started) – which is part of the reason I moved to southern CA. Anyway, all this rain got me thinking about relationships. Because most of the time, we’re happy and going along just fine when the sun is shining. But as soon as a little downpour happens, everything becomes slippery, we can’t get our footing, and we forget how to drive. It’s annoying how a little rain can delay our progress, or prevent us from doing what we’d planned. For those of you who live with rain most of the year, kudos. You know how to enjoy yourself anyway.
I was reading a post by the awesome Tristan Coopersmith, who has a great attitude about, well, everything. And it reminded me that we need rain. It’s the one ingredient that helps everything grow – without it, we die. Rain might be an inconvenience, but it’s also a necessity. So maybe it’s the same for our psyches – we need a little challenge periodically (or often) to help us figure out who we are and what we want.
I met a woman yesterday who said that she really wanted a partner, someone to share her life with. She was in a constant state of singlehood, and while she enjoyed her life, it was starting to get her down. “I just want to experience life in a relationship, you know?” she said, wondering what had gone wrong. “I feel like I’ve identified with the word single for so long, it’s taken over. It’s who I am. Are the men I meet getting that vibe from me – that I’m not the relationship type?”
I thought about this, as I know where she’s coming from. People are quick to jump in and tell you what you’re doing wrong and how to “fix” things when you’re single. They want to tell you why you aren’t in a relationship and what they would do differently. You know, how to attract a man. But it’s not that simple. Sometimes, we have to figure it out for ourselves. There are no magic remedies, because we’re all different and complex. (That’s what is wrong with so many of the dating advice books out there.)
What seems to have worked best for me is a little bit of change and a lot of trial and error. I dated a lot. I messed things up a lot. I tried doing things differently than I’d always done. Just for one date, and then the next date, and so on and so on, until I had a new set of habits in place that served me better. I took things slow, without worrying about whether or not I was “wasting my time” on someone. Nobody is a waste. We are drawn to the people we’re drawn to until we’ve figured out what we can learn from them. Then we’re able to move on. When we’re ready.
How does this tie in with rain, you ask? Well, our love lives tend to go up and down – if you’ll indulge me, I think we’d all agree that we don’t want sunny skies year-round. I live in SoCal – this causes fires, droughts, water shortages, crop damage, and a ton of other problems. Even here in sunshine city we need rain. Everyone does. It’s what helps us figure out who we are and what we want. It cleans things up, if you will.
So when it comes to our love lives, we’re no different than the Earth. Being single and being in a relationship are both part of the process of living, and both equally contribute to our own personal growth. We seek both, at different times in our lives. In reality, we need both. We need to stand firmly in who we are as a single person before trying to find out who we are in a relationship. If we go seeking ourselves in relationship after relationship, we can get lost. And if we aren’t willing to give up our single mindset to make room for someone else, it’s hard for romantic love interests to commit – or even to find us in the first place. We’re too busy saying we’re too busy for a partner. But we need balance. Much like the Earth.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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