I like my smartphone, Twitter, and Facebook accounts. I rely on them when I’m out to meetings, working, or running errands. Somehow if I have access to the online world I feel like I’m connected to people. Never mind that I could go through the grocery store and do all of my shopping without talking to a single person. Same with a yoga class—I’m literally silent. There’s no need to talk to the person next to me while I’m in downward dog, or even after class. We’re all in a hurry to check our messages for more important things.
As I think about this pattern, I find it really unsettling. Would I rather check my email than talk to my yoga classmates after class? Yes. I’d also rather text than pick up the phone and have a real conversation. It’s easier to be online – you don’t have to deal with long conversations or “how are you doing” questions. But my phone isn’t really helping me connect with people. I’m fooling myself by thinking that.
When I was single, I often turned to my phone to avoid looking like the lonely single girl when i was sitting at a bar or coffee shop by myself. There was a certain comfort in looking occupied and busy. It told the people around me that I was important, needed. Unfortunately, i also think it told the single guys around me to leave me alone. I never once got approached by a man when I was diligently texting or checking emails, even when I thought I looked good and approachable.
Which brings me to the main point. While technology does connect us better in certain ways – expanding our networks and keeping in touch – it doesn’t really help us cultivate real-life relationships. I think when we’re dating we like to keep our calendars busy. Therefore it’s easier to text and make plans and book that calendar. It’s also easier to cancel – no awkward conversations. There’s also the likelihood that even if we meet someone great, there could be somebody even better around the corner so we don’t take our time really getting to know that person. Since we have access to a lot of people through online networks we keep going out with more and more people, but never finding someone “special.”
I guess as an antidote to the high-speed and distracting environment technology has created, we should remind ourselves to slow down. Pay attention to what’s around us, here and now. That maybe we should listen to the person sitting across from us instead of checking our emails or thinking about all the texts we need to send.
There’s something to be said for paying attention to the present moment. Maybe then we can really, truly connect with someone. And not just keep moving on to the next.
I’m going to try it at yoga next week. I’ll leave my phone at home.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Oh God, yes, this!
I’m a single guy and when I’m out and about I look out for women who might be open to having some random guy walk up to them and try to have a conversation. But seeing a woman with her phone out, texting or talking on it, makes me think “if I approach her, I will be interrupting something Very Important, and she will think I am being rude and want to get rid of me.” it definitely feels like a barrier of “I don’t want to talk to anyone”.
My barrier of choice is my headphones and mp3 player, but I have taken to walking around town with them tucked away – or leaving them at home altogether – precisely to appear more approachable, and to be ready to make an approach should somebody be walking around without a phone out!
Ha! Glad you agree—being on your phone does scream “leave me alone!” and if you’re a stranger you don’t want to take that chance. Good for you for leaving that MP3 player at home. Let me know how it goes!
The one problem with technology is that it creates “lazy dating.” Guys don’t have to call you for dates. The simply text or e-mail. Here and there is fine. But when it becomes a habit, it’s not so. At some point, people need pick up the phone and TALK!