I got an email recently from a young woman asking me whether or not she should get back together with her ex-boyfriend. Back story: They’d broken up and reunited a couple of times already. He dated her best friend in between relationships. Her family doesn’t like him. She really loves him, but she isn’t sure if she should go down this road again. But she really wants to, and she really thinks it could work this time, because he has changed.
While it’s great to be optimistic and believe that people can change (I’m a fan of this way of thinking, sometimes to my detriment), and “third time’s the charm” and all that, I have to ask you readers…don’t you think there’s a red flag waving furiously and going unnoticed?
It seemed pretty clear to me: she’d broken up with him before (twice) and her family doesn’t like him. He dated her best friend. I don’t know the guy, but if that many people are hating the man you’re dating, he’s probably an ass not the greatest guy around.
“But wait,” she says, “everyone’s got it wrong. They don’t see him like I do. I know how wonderful he can be.”
While this might be true, there’s a reason she broke up with him. Unfortunately, it’s not so easy to see our relationships clearly from the inside. We have blind spots. We carry an extra pair of rose-colored glasses. We think that we’ll never meet someone who makes us feel so strongly again, so we forgive their mistakes and behavior. Again and again.
I’ve been out with guys who I knew weren’t right for me. I dated them too long. I pined for them when we broke up, drowning my sorrows in chocolate or cookie dough. (I binge on sugar when I’m really depressed, not alcohol.) If they had come back to me wanting to be together again, I would have jumped right back in. Not because I thought it would work, but because I was in love. Or more accurately, because I couldn’t bear to think of my life without them. So even though I never got the opportunity to date one of my favorite exes (lucky me!), I would have in a heartbeat. And I would have been hurt again.
Because in the moment of withdrawal and pining, I would have overlooked everything that had gone wrong. I would have forgotten that there was a reason we broke up. All of that would have faded next to the possibility that maybe, MAYBE this time around it would work. But does it ever?
I know people break up and get back together again. Divorced couples and high school sweethearts alike reunite. I’ve heard success stories. And I know they are out there.
But in my experience, there’s always a reason for the break up. Once we figure out what went wrong, it helps us to move on. To meet new people. To have new experiences. To understand ourselves better so that we don’t repeat the negative patterns. Sometimes though, all this is hard to see when you’re in the thick of your heartache and longing.
So hopefully this is a reminder. There really is a reason you broke up, and you will move on.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
While I agree with everything you said, I think you overlooked one key factor that would’ve really driven your point home…
He dated her BEST FRIEND while they were broken up! Who wants to date a guy who’s sizing up your girls to see who he can get busy with the next time you take a break? No wonder her family doesn’t like him. And what about the friend? How could she date someone her bestie is in love with?
The whole scenario is all wrong. Here’s hoping the woman in question has the sense to kick both the man and her best (?) friend to the curb.
I have rarely heard success stories about couples that got back together, unless in the rare case they broke up for something very silly. They are your ex for a reason, like you said. That’s why closure is so important, because it allows each person to move on.
Skye—totally!! But apparently some women do consider dating men who would do that to them. They excuse their ex’s actions far too easily.
I think in most cases, regardless of whether or not the ex dated your friend, likely there is a reason he’s an ex. It might not be so obvious. But in this case, it WAS obvious…
When it suits us, we can forgive AND forget — but the forgetting bit? It’s but a temporary station, and we soon enough remember why we shouldn’t have ever forgiven in the first place. Hindsight and whatnot.
And, um? Best friend? Really?!? That’s just foul. Hope she doesn’t have a sister….
I agree with most of what you’ve said about dating of the ex’s BUT do believe it depends on how and why the relationship ended. Perhaps I’m being a little lenient on this position because I too am currently involved with my ex, but I can understand why some people do it.
It’s easier (most times), comfortable and you don’t have to worry about the nuances that come with starting a relationship with someone new.
In my case, the break up the first time was because I was impatient and probably a little selfish. He was a workaholic and we met at a time when half of California was on fire and he was gone for nearly a month at a time playing hero. It wasn’t an ugly break up and overall, we were pretty happy together but it was just bad timing.
So based on those circumstances, I give myself a pass for going backwards.
This little lady you’re describing? Uh she’ doesn’t sound like the best judge of character and any man who dates a close friend? Tacky. We already know she isn’t looking for advice on what to do because the excuses she lends tell she’s made up hr mind and is just looking for affirmation.
My two cents. 🙂