I read a fantastic article today by Nicole Burly, one of YourTango’s experts and a life/ wellness coach. She turned 40 recently, and hasn’t looked back. Instead, as she entered her thirties she realized that life just kept getting better…no way would she trade her present in to be 26 again, or even 29.
She writes:
When I was younger, I was much more concerned with being The Best, making a name for myself, and competing. I wanted to please people and be well-liked. Saving face was crucial. I thought first about how my life choices would LOOK to other people, and then about how they would affect ME and my own fulfillment. I walked through my life with a certain trepidation, fearful on some level of making a mistake or not being ‘good enough’ – at anything, including Life. I was young, and I didn’t realize all the different ways there are of being in the world, or the many different definitions of ‘success’…
As I get older I realize that….nobody is paying that much attention to anybody else! Ha! My fantasy that there was an international committee of judges, holding massive conventions about me and my life…… was, shall we say, unfounded.
As I read the part about the committee of judges, I felt my cheeks grow red.
Here I was in my late thirties, and still felt like the same committee she joked about was judging my life. I didn’t exactly feel free, even though I know nobody cares about my life as much as I do. They are too busy figuring out their own mess. But it doesn’t make me stop questioning my decisions and how I’m handling myself.
Sure, I’m now able to let things go a lot more easily. I choose to avoid stress rather than dwell in it like I did for about 15 years of my adult life. I’m self-aware enough to realize that life’s problems aren’t worth it, and that there is a solution, even if I don’t want to admit it. (Usually what I resist doing most is the best solution.)
When I was in PR, my life included the daily task of putting out fires. There was always political maneuvering and trying to preserve egos. I put myself on the back burner..ironically, to try and make my life easier. But I realized after a while that I had to set boundaries with people and push back. I didn’t need to take everything on, or try to make everyone feel better. That was their problem, not mine. Were there repercussions? Of course. Nobody likes it when you start pushing back. For me, this was hard. It still is.
So, I’m heartened by this article, because maybe I’m freer than I thought. Maybe I have come further than I thought. Maybe I’m much more of a bad-ass than I was in my twenties, because I don’t care as much about how other people see me. Well, maybe I do a little.
But now I’m wise enough to know that every time I think that I know something, I quickly get a lesson in how I don’t. No matter how old I get, I think this still applies. So, I’m happy to consider myself a student of life, peeling back layers and figuring things out for myself. Trying to see things in a new way.
I guess my best years will always be ahead of me.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Arghhh, I feel exactly like Nicole Burley and like you in your twenties. I want to change my obsession to get “approval” from people and struggle pushing back, I’m still obsessed with being “good enough” and I want to change it, but honestly I don’t know exactly how to change… Thanks for sharing, it gives me hope.
Becoming a parent changed this a lot for me. Being a parent gives most people a whole new definition of happy.