I read a study recently that found women were more likely to apologize than men. Go figure, I thought. But apparently, it’s not about owning up to bad behavior; both men and women will apologize if they feel they’ve done something wrong. It’s that men have a “higher threshold” for bad behavior.
Great…so what does that mean? According to the study, women apologize more because they feel bad about doing anything they consider offensive, like waking a friend up in the middle of the night (or maybe even choosing the wrong drink when they bring a co-worker something from Starbucks). Men don’t feel so bad in most cases. Maybe if they cheated on a girlfriend or stabbed a colleague in the back. But day-to-day, they don’t sweat the small stuff.
At first, this kind of pissed me off.
But then I thought, maybe this explains all the men who seem to let things go pretty easily. Who don’t seem so stressed. As opposed to most women.
Let’s face facts: many women do tend to be reactive, (especially in the case of some of my former bosses), and therefore it makes sense they would find more actions offensive. Rationality and calm is not a common trait among my gender. Sorry, ladies. For example, one of my bosses liked to throw things while she yelled. I ducked. Others are of course more subtle, but still we stress out way too much and our nerves run thin. Many things can seem offensive in this state of mind. We gravitate towards therapy and yoga just to feel more relaxed.
But the guys? Well, they could have more consideration. They are not usually ones to admit fault right away, even if they are guilty. And they take problems a little too lightly at times. If I woke a friend in the middle of the night, of course I’d apologize. If I forgot to pick something up at the store when I said I would, then yes—that deserves at least an “I’m sorry”.
The interesting thing the study pointed out was that women tend to find more things offensive and apology-worthy when they are in relationships. Like, 30% more.
So, the disconnect in communication is ever-present in relationships. Apparently, we need to communicate everything we find offensive so that we don’t build resentment, or suck it up that we won’t get that apology we crave and carry on. Surely there is a happy medium?
I’m guilty of over-apologizing. I even apologize to the cashier if she gives me the wrong change. It’s like a reflex for me, so I don’t really even feel the weight of it anymore. At least now I will be more conscious when I’m doing it.
Do you find that you apologize too much, or maybe you don’t apologize enough?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
I’m always apologizing. Because, sadly, I’m always doing stuff that requires an apology.
Also, I love your blog.
Hi Ken,
Thanks so much—glad you like the blog!! And thanks for letting me know you apologize a lot—that says more than a lot of guys. I started to keep count of how many times a day I apologize. Randomly, without thinking. Working on it.
I found out about you on Jacks’ blog, and here I am loving what I’m reading!
I apologize for things that aren’t even my fault. Like you, I’m now aware of it. I just haven’t quite gotten a reign on it. Perhaps it’s a way of compensating for the women we know that don’t apologize for ANYTHING they do? Thanks for a great post and allowing me the relief of knowing I’m not alone in my “I’m sorry for everything” crusade.
(a product of being surrounded by women I think…? I have 3 sisters and, after growing up amidst constant cat fights, I find that now I can’t stand women for the most part. The vast majority of my friends, especially the close ones, are men.)
Hi Kristin,
So glad you found me—I love Jack’s writing! This is a pretty interesting study. And I do think there is a happy medium…we shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for everything and we should also learn to let things go a little more. The two go hand in hand as far as I’m concerned.
Thanks for commenting!
I too red the article that said this Kelly. It’s so true. When I think about relationships and friendships with males, I always thought men were always a little on the slow side to apologize. I didn’t know if they were just stubborn or if they were in denial. It totally makes sense. The just think completely different. I’m a little jealous because it seems like they are able to have more confidence then females because they never believe they are wrong when we know they are!