A reader recently asked me about a woman he’s been “seeing” online. He’s falling for her, but he’s never met her in person. Their relationship is based solely on Skype conversations and video chats. He feels that he knows her because he sees her, even if it’s only over the Internet. So, he’s torn because he wants to pursue a relationship but she lives in another city so it makes it difficult for them to meet.
He asked me if he should go for it, or give it up and find someone who lives a bit closer.
I’m a fan of love, and I do believe that some obstacles like long-distance can be overcome. I do hesitate however when it comes to virtual relationships. Exactly how real are they?
He’s also not the first person I’ve met who fell in love with someone in another city/state/country purely due to their online relationship. One 20-year old told me a couple of months ago that he was moving to Arizona to be with his virtual girlfriend of a year. He hadn’t made any plans to visit her before making this decision. This seems to me like a really bad idea, but at least he’s only 20. Don’t we all do stupid things when we’re 20?
If you meet someone face-to-face, you know instantly if there’s chemistry. You are in front of the person and can read her body language, facial expressions, and other details that you just can’t pick up over a webcam. I’ve yet to meet a couple who found success through a virtual-only relationship, but maybe there are some out there?
Anyway, I strongly recommend that before you decide to fall for someone online, you should make an effort to meet them in person as soon as possible to make a more informed decision. If you pursue it only online, and the relationship lasts for several months before you can set a face-to-face meeting, you become more emotionally invested before you even really know the person. It’s kind of like loving a celebrity. Just because you see them each week in OK! Magazine doesn’t mean that you really “get” them. Even the Twilight kids.
All I’m saying is, you need a complete picture of a person before deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship. That means, if you have to save up some cash to hop on a bus or train for a few hours, do it. You will thank yourself in the end.
Do any of you have an online relationship? Has it worked for you?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
You mean like this insanity?
http://thebritandi.blogspot.com/
🙂
Wow, thanks for this link. I don’t understand. I read the first tweet she sent that made him feel like it was “fate”. Hmmm. I can’t see it…
Or you could talk to them for more than 6 months, on Skype, to get a more wholesome picture of who they are and what they stand for. From experience, I concluded that people give out the best image of themselves during audiovisual chats. But as time goes by, they start letting you in on their issues and what they think is wrong with the world. It is only then that you can, more or less, form an opinion about them. Meeting face to face, albeit possibly costly and potentially dangerous, remains the best way to know him better (even if he kills you after). I am teasing about the killing part, but it is not to be ruled out. 🙂
Good post. You can build something virtual
and maybe it works out for like 1 in 500 but
c’mon, you need to meet face to face.
Computer chemistry is so different that real-like
chemistry–we all know that.
Oy! To be 20 again! I love it.
Oh honey, yeah, like I have an online relationship that works? Not for lack of trying though. Yeah, you totally need to meet in person to get that charge. Like ripping off a band-aid, just do it.
I do know of a success story though. A couple of friends of mine first met via emails for work. They emailed back & forth and the emails eventually developed into a more personal relationship. He finally had to make it out to LA for a work conference. He arrived the day before the conference and met her. Things went so well that he never made it to the conference and they’ve been married for over 10 years now. So I guess it does work for some people.
@Miss Alpha -That’s just some good stuff you found there. 😉
Kelly… you found the original post on thelaunchcoach.com?
Miss Alpha—the original post? No, it was someone who wrote to me with the question. I love the link you sent. Classic…
Zia Zitella—thanks for your story! I wonder though—did they date other people in the meantime? I worry about people who get emotionally invested and stop dating without meeting them first. I’m glad it worked for your friends, but I hesitate telling people to go for it.
Wilmaryad – thanks for stopping by! I agree that webcam is better than nothing when you’re talking about expense in meeting each other, but sooner or later you’ll have to meet each other if you want to try and make it work. So, sooner is better than later so you don’t build up false connections over time. That’s all. Sigh—love.
No online relationship for me but I agree with you completely. They’ve got to meet soon! It’s only real until they have a face-to-face.
Great advice. Hope you’ve been well.
Am I the only person that worries that they will meet and he’ll discover that she has ridiculous gag-inducing bad breath or is a horendous kisser? C’mon, these things are kind of important to know about your “soul mate”… don’t you think?
-Q
The success stories I know are mostly ones who have met even twenty years before then reconnected for a long time over skype etc before spending quality time visiting face to face to consolidate the relationship. Happily married now – mmmm – so sweet!
Unfortunately I cannot think of a success story right now for Russian/Thai brides that began online … I do however know a few older lonely men who have been stung!
Definitely agree face to face needs to come for an extended period of trial before any major decisions.
At least with skype, if you have voice and video you do get to see a lot of what’s missing in other forms of communication. In that respect their chances of reality working is a lot better but people can be different in different circumstances and there’s no predicting the amount of difference until you’ve experienced it in person.
I can understand how you can get sucked into feeling like you know the person when you are seeing them on video, but you definitely can’t feel any sparks if you haven’t met in person. Not to get all psychological, but I think that it’s natural to use your imagination to fill in the pieces that you don’t about them by not having met in person. Can’t imagine making a major decision before you’ve met the person face to face.
This is so true for many people, they just dive in striaght away, not thinking of what if’s. I agree if you really want to be with someone especially if they in another city, then first go down for a visit, then at least you will know then if you are doing the right thing, but just to give up everything this side to go there is very daring and a bold move.
My one year relationship on line is still alive. I have never seen him but I saw him in TV couple of times. He even asked me to merry him on line. Sometimes I think I am so silly to pursue this, but I am so addicted to him scared to burst the bubble by meeting him