As some of you read, recent blogs by Dr. Alex Benzer and Jag Carrao on the Huffington Post really annoyed me. They are basically reintroducing and rehashing “The Rules”, which to me put us back in the dating dark ages of manipulation, game-playing and deception. Oh wait, that’s still going on now. But does it have to?
I was discussing this with a friend, and here was his take on “the Rules”:
I guess if a guy is going to take a girl for granted, he’s going to whether or not she lives with him, sleeps with him, blows him, or not. I think the only way to avoid any of that is to be honest and express your wants and needs on a regular basis. It is ALWAYS OK to ask for what we want. We may not always get it, but at least we know that we put it out there. To be succinct…
No one is a mind reader!!
Period. We just can never expect to get the things we don’t express that we want.
The RULES are based on NOT COMMUNICATING with actual words.
New rules??
- Ask for what you want
- if you feel there might be a problem, there probably is
- ask your partner if there is anything they need that they aren’t getting. Doesn’t mean you have to give it, but at least you know
How do you all feel about this? Is it better to communicate directly what you’re feeling, or play it coy so you don’t seem desperate or you make him run in the other direction? Do you think men and women are capable of communicating with each other effectively, or are we destined to misinterpret, run scared, or play games?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Kelly, I am rubbish at dating/relationships, but in my 29 years I’ve never heard a truer word when it comes to matters of the heart than “if you feel there might be a problem, there probably is “. Brilliant.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
I would sometimes think a date went well, then never hear from the guy again. I recall one incident (online date of course), we met for the cup of Starbucks. Caught up in a great convo, he then suggested we go on to a nearby bar and continue our chat. I was sure he was feelin’ me… Then I never heard from him again – he ignored my “nice meeting you” email. I always wished that guys could simply say, “Look, you’re nice and all, but don’t expect to hear from me again.” This way you don’t go home and lay in bed that night wondering if you just met Mr. Right.
Ally@
Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing
Right on about the “mind reading” thing. I find myself forgetting it every now and then but really, saying what you need to say and what you mean works wonders in relationships.
I for one love the ‘New rules’, especially the ask for what you want bit.
I think the biggest mistake that women (and maybe even some men) make is not asking for what they want from the beginning of a relationship. Too many of us are too afraid that making requests (please note I didn’t say demands) will scare the guy off. But if you settle for less than you want in the beginning you are setting yourself up for a world of disappointment for the entirety of your relationship.
In answer to your questions:
Yes, it is better communicate directly what your feeling – as long as you recognize that the person you are communicating with may not receive what you have to say the way you’d like/expect.
Yes, men and women are capable of communicating effectively to one another – the corollary being that both parties involved are capable of separating their reaction to what they heard (i.e. their interpretation of it) from what was actually said and meant by their partner.
Hey Kelly,
I found your blog quoted over at Moxie in the City while I was doing some research about “The Rules.” I like your take, and it’s fascinating how differently women perceive these rules. Hope you don’t mind that it quoted you in my post, you had too many good points for me not to mention at least one.
Cheers,
Tina
Thanks for the mention Tina! “The Rules” kind of bug me because they are so generic—I don’t believe every man responds to them, and I worry about the relationships of the people who follow them.
I really like your site!
really loved the article added to my favourites
I have enjoyed perusing your website and reading various pieces. New “Rules” for dating? is a well written piece about a very intriguing issue. I look forward to your upcoming updates.