This guest blog is from Dating Coach Christine Medina at www.therevelationcoach.com. We are thrilled to share her thoughts on dating with intention…something I talk about in my book Date Expectations. Preach, Christine!
When I coach singles who are having a hard time finding “the one” – some of them have difficulty just dating, while others have no problem going on dates but they don’t lead to relationships. My first order of business with each of these clients is the same and two-fold:
- Become Aware of Yourself. AND
- Get Clear On What You Want.
So let me take this opportunity to take you an a small literary journey…
Become Aware of Yourself
If you want to find love, you’ve got to first look at yourself. Let me explain. Each of us has a vibe we put out into the world, so the first thing we need to analyze is whether or not that vibe is a good one.
Now before you tell me, “NOTHING is wrong with my vibe” just like some of my clients tell me…keep yourself open to what I have to say for a little longer, please.
With all the crap we have to put up with in dating (rude people, shallow people, stupid people, selfish people, stinky people, etc), sometimes we let ourselves get taken over by our frustrations and underlying “jaded-ness”. This is normal. It really is. I mean, I know the feeling!
But if you let all that negativity infiltrate you, you will unwillingly push people away from you even though you are really trying to attract them. You won’t even stand a chance. It’s not because you are being rude to people; and it’s definitely not because of how you look. The vibe of “dating frustration” is so annoyingly subtle, yet it changes the way we speak, stand, sit, and laugh. But if you are frustrated, you won’t be able to hide it while dating. So what can you do if you are currently frustrated with dating? (Now this is SUPER important…)
If you are frustrated and annoyed with dating…Take. A. Break. Yup! I said it. Don’t date for a while! Refresh yourself and get back to doing activities that bring you to life and try new things that scare the [explitive] out of you (you should be doing this ALL THE TIME anyway…I have another article on this if you’d like to read it.
If you aren’t frustrated with dating and are still enjoying it, then it’s time to further analyze yourself. If you’ve never done that before start by trying out this personality test and learn something about your best and worst traits. Have you ever heard the phrase, “you are your own worst enemy?” Yeaaah, it’s one of those that is annoyingly true. But we are so lucky because now we have many resources to help us learn about ourselves and NOT be our own worst enemies.
One of the benefits of analyzing yourself is that we can ACCENTUATE our best sides and mellow down our weaknesses, or at least help our partners understand them. It can also give us do-ers many ways to improve and grow who we are as people. For example, I am naturally a commitment-phobe. IRONIC, yes. But because I had the desire to find my “one” I worked on that side of myself a LOT over the years and learned how to communicate my “flighty” moments to my partner. It helped!!! And that’s just ONE example.
Which leads me to the next part…
Get Clear On What You Want
What is it you ultimately want right now? Don’t be afraid to “go there”. No one else is listening right now.
Do you want to live a life of single-dom that gives you freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want for the rest of your life?
Do you want casual relations for the rest of your life?
Are you looking for solely serious relationships because you’re against marriage?
Are you looking for marriage without kids?
Are you looking for marriage with kids?
GET SPECIFIC. What do you want, ultimately?
Once you OWN that, you’ve got to put that vibe out there. When you decide who to go out with, put them up against your criteria.
Here’s an example. Let’s say I want casual relations for the rest of my life. I prooobably shouldn’t be going out with a guy who has told me he’s looking for a wife. Or, let’s say I want to get married with kids. I probably shouldn’t be going out with a guy who wants to get married but hates kids.
Do you see what I’m trying to say here?
You’ve got to learn how to really OWN and be serious with what you want. And please know that this doesn’t mean you can’t have fun while dating. Actually fun is a requirement.
ANOTHER THING: Don’t be afraid of scaring people away. The ones who want the same thing as you do won’t run away from you.
When I was dating, I’d be really upfront about what I wanted. I wanted to get married and have kids. But I wasn’t in a hurry to just settle for anyone; I wanted to find the right guy so that’s why I liked to take my time to get to know guys. And I always made sure to let them know I was going to communicate where I was at in the relationship, all the time. Did I scare some guys away? YES. Did I get more than one date from guys? YES, more than I expected. Because I became clear with what I wanted, I gave guys who wanted the same thing as me a huge green light to keep dating me.
So, in review, OWN what you want and be clear about it! You’ll see that ever-so-slightly the vibe you put out into the world is going to change. Believe me.
I believe that everyone can find love. And I have found after coaching enough people, that sometimes all it takes is a little self-awareness, honesty to yourself about what you want and what you’re looking for, honesty to those you date, continued patience, and a little empathy. Be open, people. Take it from a commitment-phobe who is married…if you want to find your “one” don’t give up. Grow and learn your way there with awareness and intention.
With Respect and Love,
Christine
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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