Do you feel unlucky in love, or that drama always follows you? If you see negative patterns emerging in your relationships, you’re not alone. But it’s time to take a closer look at what’s really going on, so you don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. Take heart – when you recognize something’s wrong, it’s an opportunity. Perhaps you’re sabotaging your love life, and don’t even realize it.
Before you get defensive, know that we’ve all been there, and it’s hard to see ourselves objectively especially when it comes to love. We all want the fairytale that magically unfolds, but more often, love is hard-won after heartbreak, and after we come to terms with the ways we might be getting in our own way. It is often a difficult path to get to the right relationship.
Following are 5 ways you’re sabotaging your love life:
You don’t let people in.
I have been guilty of this. In fact, it derailed me for many years. I thought I was being smart and protecting myself from guys who wouldn’t treat me well. But instead, I was closing myself off, and they couldn’t get to know me. How could they fall in love with someone they couldn’t truly know? As soon as I began to let my guard down, to accept that I could be hurt and I would still be okay, I met more interesting people. I had a good time. And soon after, I fell in love again. It can happen if you let it.
You don’t have realistic expectations.
I wrote a book about this after I met so many daters hosting speed dating events. Many people have unrealistic expectations of the kind of person they want, instead of thinking about how they want to feel in a relationship. If you want a handsome, successful, smart, ambitious, yet laid-back guy who is into surfing and doesn’t wear glasses or khakis, you’re letting your list of criteria get in the way of connecting with someone real. You can’t order up people to your liking, no matter how much you swipe on a dating app. People come with baggage, habits, perspectives different from our own – and this is a good thing! It’s time to let go of your list and let yourself be open to a new experience, a new person, and see where it leads.
You date unavailable men/ women.
This is a big one, because often we don’t see the people we fall in love with as “unavailable.” But really, unavailable is anyone you date who isn’t willing to consider a long-term, exclusive relationship with you. If you are dating a married man or woman, that is obviously a red flag! But more often, you invest your heart in people who keep you at an emotional distance, texting or calling when they want to see you but when you need them, they go silent. There are also relationships that are on permanent “hold” because one person isn’t ready to commit. Instead of hanging on to these relationships, hoping that someday the other person will change, recognize you have a role in this, too. You can control your own behavior. By breaking up and moving on from these dead-end relationships, you can find someone who is available for you.
You accept bad behavior.
This goes along with the unavailable dates. Bad behavior includes ghosting, treating you disrespectfully, looking to you for sex without emotional connection, not introducing you to friends and family, etc. There is a lot of bad behavior, but if it seems that your BF/GF is hiding something or isn’t truly interested in a relationship with you, trust your gut. Love requires effort from both of you, not constant compromise and disappointment on your part. Cut the ties and know that you deserve better.
You rush into new relationships.
This might surprise you, but most happy long-term couples didn’t experience that instant chemistry or love at first sight. Instead, their relationships grew into love as they got to know each other. I think this is true for most people, despite the fairytales telling us otherwise. When you meet someone that sparks your interest, if your tendency is to jump in quickly, take a step back. Pause. Get to know him first.
It’s easy to have instant chemistry and run with it, but too often, we jump into relationships only to be disappointed because our image of the relationship is very different from who our dates actually are. When you don’t know someone, you can’t assume anything. Most things are revealed over time, like peeling the layers of an onion. Maybe your date isn’t ready for a relationship, or maybe they are emotionally immature, or maybe they fall in love quickly and move on just as fast. Regardless, you don’t know a person until you truly get to know them, so take things slowly.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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